I originally scheduled a lesson for Monday July 5th, so that I wouldn't miss out on a whole week of lessons due to the holiday. My original lesson was scheduled for 11am, but the driving school called me on Friday and let me know that the instructor I was scheduled with had to cancel his Monday lessons because something came up. Okay, fine, no problem. No one else was available at 11am, so I rescheduled with another instructor for 1 o'clock this afternoon.

This one wasn't Jaba the Orc, but he was a close second. He was thinner, but had that same unwashed, unshaved look (I wonder if that's one of their hiring requirements). I knew it was going to be difficult the minute I got in the car, went to put on my seatbelt and then he started telling me that I shouldn't put my seatbelt on in case I had to adjust my mirror on the right side of the car. Like DUHHH! If I had to adjust the mirror, I'd unfasten the damn belt, lean over, and adjust it. Better that, than me starting to drive the car and THEN realize I'm not wearing my seatbelt! He proceeds to tell me that, on his schedule for today, I'm listed as "Carlos". He actually ASKED if I was Carlos. Obviously, I don't LOOK like a "Carlos", at least I don't think so!

He then spent about 10 minutes rattling off stuff that I either (a) already knew, or (b) would've been obvious to anyone who's ever BEEN in a car in their LIFE. (Like what the different lights on the dashboard mean when they're lit - check oil, fasten seatbelt, door ajar, etc.) The man would not SHUT UP! Usually, I'm the one with the motor mouth in the car, but I knew it was bad when I couldn't get a word in edgewise. It wasn't so much WHAT he was saying, but the way he was saying it. The worst part was that it totally distracted me, undermined any confidence I had in my abilities, AND caused me to make at least 2 very stupid mistakes that I probably would not have made if I wasn't consciously resisting the urge to ask him to please just shut up. Geez, Louise! He made my niece on a sugar high look quiet in comparison!

He asked if I was nervous, and I said yes, I was. Did he do anything to help me be LESS nervous??? NOPE! He just kept on making these really fussbudgety comments about a) my turns, b) my signalling "too soon", and - get this - c) how FAST I was driving! BWAHAHAHA!!! I was doing 25-30mph on a 30mph street! He honest-to-God told me I was going too fast at 30mph! Mind you, this was on a "big street" where everyone else was swearin' under their breath at how SLOW I was going because I was doing the speed limit!

Then, he kept telling me that I should schedule my road test now, because I'll have to wait 3-4 weeks before I get a test date, and that I should take my lessons closer together so that I don't get rusty. That's about the point where I told HIM that a) my main reason for taking driving lessons was to overcome my fear of driving, b) if I got my license, it would be an added plus and c) I wasn't planning on scheduling a road test until I was extremely comfortable with what I was doing behind the wheel. (Needless to say, he wasn't helping with that last one!)

So, I drove from my house towards my sister's again, and practiced my right and left turns. With 10 minutes left to go in the lesson, he had me pull over and said he was going to teach me how to make a "K-turn". Somehow, I just knew that learning something new with this guy was just not going to work, and so I told him that I really didn't feel comfortable and would rather wait until my next lesson to learn it. He mumbled some stuff about pushing myself, and how, the instructor wouldn't suggest something like that if they didn't feel the student was ready for it, blah blah blah, but he didn't make me learn it. I'm thinking in my head "NO WAY am I learning a K-turn with this guy!" So, with the remaining few minutes, I drove around my sister's neighborhood, made a few more right and left turns, and pulled up in front of her house. To say that I couldn't WAIT to get out of that car would be an understatement! All I wanted to do was SMACK this guy!

I was wearing my super-cool shirt from my adventure with the Long Island Sweet Potato Queens in the Wantagh 4th of July parade (another cool adventure) DivaQueenSPQ on, and he was asking me a bunch of questions about it.
Him: "What's a Sweet Potato Queen?"
Me: "It's a women's group"
Him: "That tells me a lot. What is it, a feminist group? Men-haters?"
Me: "No, it's a group of women who like to have fun?"
Him: "So, do you meet every month or something?"
Me: Not necessarily
Him: "What is it about, an author or something?"
Me: "Yes, this woman wrote several books."
Him: "And what do Sweet Potato Queens have to do with them? Is that what they're all about? Sweet Potato Queens?"
Me: "Yup, all the books are about the Sweet Potato Queens."

Did I mention that I wanted to SMACK him upside his head?

On a positive note, I can now add "changing lanes" to my list of accomplishments. I am SO GLAD I've scheduled my next three lessons with the GOOD instructor!

This morning, I had my first-ever driving lesson. To say I was nervous would be an understatement. If nerves were dollars, I think I would have had more money than Bill Gates and Donald Trump combined! I tried distracting myself with several games of Sponge Bob Collapse, it didn't help. I tried taking a hot shower. All that did was leave me wound up and soaking wet. I tried deep breathing and relaxation. I tried meditating. I tried everything I could think of short of standing on my head and whistling "Dixie", to no avail. I was WIRED!!!

So, the moment of doom arrives. I walk outside and see the Student Driver car ready and waiting for me in front of the house. There's no escaping it now. My fate is sealed. I have to get in the car. Worse yet, I have to get in the driver's seat! I'm thinking "Can't I just watch this time?" But no, watching is what I've been doing all these years. I took a deep breath and parked my butt behind the steering wheel. I can't even tell you what kind of car it was, other than that it was gold-toned, with the name of the driving school in yellow (why they chose yellow on a gold car is beyond me), and the words "STUDENT DRIVER" across the back. Made me think of the old three-wheeled bicycles with the huge "HANDICAPPED" signs in the back.

Now, before I continue with my actual driving adventure, I must take a moment to mention that my driving instructor for the day looks like a cross between Jabba the Hud and one of the Orcs from Lord of the Rings. He smelled about as good, too. He also kept talking about me in the third person. "Now, if Carol wants to make a turn, Carol turns on her directional, checks to make sure the way is clear, and begins making her turn." I wonder if they teach them that at the driving school.

So, Jabba the Orc shows me how to work the directionals, how to shift into gear, where the gas and brake pedals are, and about a bazillion other things that I somehow am supposed to remember all before moving an inch. Then he says "Are you ready?" READY??? You mean I actually have to DRIVE??? All I could think of was "Oh... SHIT!!!" So, I put my seatbelt on, after all I'm a student driver and I sure as hell don't trust myself behind the wheel of a moving vehicle, besides, it's the law, take a deep breath, and turn the key in the ignition, turn on my left signal, check my mirrors and look over my left shoulder, put the car in drive and start moving. If I ever felt like one of "Jerry's Kids", this was definitely the moment.

Somehow, by the grace of God and whatever guardian angels were up and protecting innocent bystanders this morning, I manage to pull out of the parking space and onto College Point Boulevard. To say it's a narrow two-way street is putting it mildly! But, I made it to the corner, my first STOP sign, and actually made a right turn, all without hitting anything or anyone! Mind you, I'm driving at the overwhelmingly high speed of about 10 miles an hour, and as I'm cruising along, some moron behind me starts beeping at me. Without missing a beat, I blurted out "It says STUDENT DRIVER ya dumbass!" Guess I got the swearing at other drivers thing down pat, huh?

The rest of the drive was uneventful - I maneuvered my way around about five potholes, made my way around a double-parked car on a narrow street, stopped the car when some moron ran a stop sign in front of me (without jamming on the brakes and giving the instructor whiplash, I might add), drove on one of the busiest streets in my neighborhood, and somehow managed to make some pretty tight turns, without any roadside casualties. As we were getting close to my house, who did I pass, but my landlord, on his way out. I think seeing me behind the wheel of a car heading in his direction may have made his life flash before his eyes for a few seconds, until I was safely past.

I STILL can't believe that I actually drove a car for 40 minutes out of the 45 minute lesson AND pulled into a parking spot in front of my house! The reality of it just hasn't sunk in yet. Was it scary? HELL, yes! But not as scary as I thought it would be. In my mind, I had imagined myself driving the way I play racecar video games - crashing into every possible object in sight. Fortunately, the reality was nowhere near as bad as I had imagined!

An open note to all who made my Omega "Living a Fearless Life" conference experience so incredible:

I almost didn’t make it to the conference. On Thursday, April 1st, I was seriously considering backing out and skipping the volunteer orientation. At one point during the day on Thursday, coming to the orientation after a long day at work really started to feel like one of those “Why did I ever commit myself to doing this?” things. Well, I am so glad that I fought through that, because I had the best few days that surpassed my expectations big time!

Had I backed out, or rather, “chickened out”, if you will, I would have missed out on some truly incredible people and wonderful experiences. I don’t know what I expected when I pushed myself to “show up”, but this certainly wasn’t it! If I had to use one word to describe what I’ve found here, it would be awesome!

Had I not pushed past that feeling of not wanting to push past that feeling and show up, I would never have heard Christopher Reeve speak so eloquently on pushing past your mood and doing it anyway. I would not have followed my own North Star, which led me right into Martha Beck’s workshop. I would not have had the experience of meeting the woman who was at least partially responsible for my being here in the first place, and finding her to be every bit as wonderful as her book, and then some!

I am so glad that I did the “fearless thing” and plunged myself head-first into an experience so incredibly powerful, that I will remember April 1st, 2004 as the day I found home. This is where I belong, and where I was meant to be. They say that when the student is ready, the teacher appears. Well, I must be really ready, because I had teachers popping out of the woodwork! If ever there was a sign that I am “on the right track” in my life, then this conference was it. I have found my niche. I discovered why some of the various healing methods I’ve attempted to learn never really took off. They just weren’t ‘it”. I’ve come to understand that my healing gift is the gift of words, both spoken and written, humor, and the sharing of my stories.

While not everything has worked out the way I might have liked it to, others have not turned out nearly as disastrously as I had feared. I went out on a big limb, and instead of being rejected as I had feared, I made a very special new friend. I have been given the opportunity to shine, and apparently, I’ve shone brightly (and no, it wasn’t just my flaming red hair). I have allowed myself to be fully myself and, to paraphrase Sally Fields “they like me. They REALLY like me!” I am now able to finally see myself the way others see me, without doubt and fear. And that, as Marha Stewart would say, is a good thing.

Thank you all for being part of what was, for me, a wonderful experience, and for making it happen.

A few updates...

Inspiration Soup, my work-in-progress website has been updated and is running. I've added some new articles, links and the ability to subscribe to my monthly newsletter.

I've taken the plunge and enrolled in Coach Training Alliance's Certified Coach Program. It's a step on my road to becoming a Life Coach, and I'm really excited about it!

I've also added some new books to my BookCrossing bookshelf, and plan to release a few books within the next few days.

My MS Walk 2004 fund-raising efforts are going well, and I've met my goal of raising at least $500.00!