This morning, I had my first-ever driving lesson. To say I was nervous would be an understatement. If nerves were dollars, I think I would have had more money than Bill Gates and Donald Trump combined! I tried distracting myself with several games of Sponge Bob Collapse, it didn't help. I tried taking a hot shower. All that did was leave me wound up and soaking wet. I tried deep breathing and relaxation. I tried meditating. I tried everything I could think of short of standing on my head and whistling "Dixie", to no avail. I was WIRED!!!

So, the moment of doom arrives. I walk outside and see the Student Driver car ready and waiting for me in front of the house. There's no escaping it now. My fate is sealed. I have to get in the car. Worse yet, I have to get in the driver's seat! I'm thinking "Can't I just watch this time?" But no, watching is what I've been doing all these years. I took a deep breath and parked my butt behind the steering wheel. I can't even tell you what kind of car it was, other than that it was gold-toned, with the name of the driving school in yellow (why they chose yellow on a gold car is beyond me), and the words "STUDENT DRIVER" across the back. Made me think of the old three-wheeled bicycles with the huge "HANDICAPPED" signs in the back.

Now, before I continue with my actual driving adventure, I must take a moment to mention that my driving instructor for the day looks like a cross between Jabba the Hud and one of the Orcs from Lord of the Rings. He smelled about as good, too. He also kept talking about me in the third person. "Now, if Carol wants to make a turn, Carol turns on her directional, checks to make sure the way is clear, and begins making her turn." I wonder if they teach them that at the driving school.

So, Jabba the Orc shows me how to work the directionals, how to shift into gear, where the gas and brake pedals are, and about a bazillion other things that I somehow am supposed to remember all before moving an inch. Then he says "Are you ready?" READY??? You mean I actually have to DRIVE??? All I could think of was "Oh... SHIT!!!" So, I put my seatbelt on, after all I'm a student driver and I sure as hell don't trust myself behind the wheel of a moving vehicle, besides, it's the law, take a deep breath, and turn the key in the ignition, turn on my left signal, check my mirrors and look over my left shoulder, put the car in drive and start moving. If I ever felt like one of "Jerry's Kids", this was definitely the moment.

Somehow, by the grace of God and whatever guardian angels were up and protecting innocent bystanders this morning, I manage to pull out of the parking space and onto College Point Boulevard. To say it's a narrow two-way street is putting it mildly! But, I made it to the corner, my first STOP sign, and actually made a right turn, all without hitting anything or anyone! Mind you, I'm driving at the overwhelmingly high speed of about 10 miles an hour, and as I'm cruising along, some moron behind me starts beeping at me. Without missing a beat, I blurted out "It says STUDENT DRIVER ya dumbass!" Guess I got the swearing at other drivers thing down pat, huh?

The rest of the drive was uneventful - I maneuvered my way around about five potholes, made my way around a double-parked car on a narrow street, stopped the car when some moron ran a stop sign in front of me (without jamming on the brakes and giving the instructor whiplash, I might add), drove on one of the busiest streets in my neighborhood, and somehow managed to make some pretty tight turns, without any roadside casualties. As we were getting close to my house, who did I pass, but my landlord, on his way out. I think seeing me behind the wheel of a car heading in his direction may have made his life flash before his eyes for a few seconds, until I was safely past.

I STILL can't believe that I actually drove a car for 40 minutes out of the 45 minute lesson AND pulled into a parking spot in front of my house! The reality of it just hasn't sunk in yet. Was it scary? HELL, yes! But not as scary as I thought it would be. In my mind, I had imagined myself driving the way I play racecar video games - crashing into every possible object in sight. Fortunately, the reality was nowhere near as bad as I had imagined!