I've managed to go to the gym and work out for an hour 4-5 days a week for the past few weeks. I've been doing a half hour or so on the treadmill (experimenting with the different programmed workouts has been interesting), and 25-30 minutes on the circuit training machines. Yesterday, I broke down and finally tried the Quad Press machine, and I'm feeling every bit of it today!

The other thing I've been doing for the past two weeks is keeping a food journal. It's been interesting, because I've been noticing certain patterns, like how a pre-bedtime snack appears to be part of my nightly winding-down routine. That, and I eat a lot of cheese! One thing that I'm finding helpful is knowing that I want to get in 4-5 workouts a week, and making sure I fit them into my schedule. For instance, when I know I have an appointment, I plan a workout for on the way there or on the way home. I also know that whenever I go out with my sister and the kids for the day, I'm not getting in a workout at the gym, so I need to make sure I get one in another day. So far, this has been working out well, pun intended.

Today, I have two "career development" workshops to attend with the outplacement service my former employer has provided me with. I'm torn between wanting to go and meet some new people, and not wanting to schlep all the way into the city. Since I'm awake, caffeinated and semi-alert, I plan to go. It's the whole rush hour trek idea that's causing me to drag my ass. I have a Resumé Development class and then it's on to Interviewing Strategies. If nothing else, I'll get to meet at least a dozen people I've never met before, and possibly work my life coaching magic on a few before I leave for the day!

What the hell am I doing up and awake at this hour on a Sunday morning??? Not only am I up and awake, I've been up and awake for two hours, and I've taken my air conditioner out of my livingroom window! I'm fully dressed, have cleaned out a bunch of old e-mails, and have updated a few of my mailing lists and am now on my second cup of coffee. This is what happens when I'm wiped out early and actually go to bed at 8:30 PM. Why can't I do this when I have to catch an 8 o'clock flight and have to be at the airport by 6AM???

I don't even know why I was so wiped out last night. It's not like I did anything yesterday. I sat around the house like a slug until around 1 o'clock, went to the gym, and then went to the VFW for a while. Maybe it was the Bacardi and Diet Pepsi I was drinking that knocked me out. Whatever it was, I was in bed, asleep before 9 o'clock, and wide awake at 4 o'clock.

Getting back to the gym... Yesterday, it was a real struggle to get out of the house and go for my workout. It was one of those days where I really had to force myself to go out and do something. It's very easy for me to get hooked into doing stuff on the computer, lose track of time, and then wonder where the day went. Yesterday was one of those days, and I had to pry myself out of my computer chair. I did it, and made it to the gym in time to get a 45-minute workout in before closing time. It's amazing how different a 45-minute workout feels from a full hour. It almost feels like I cheated and didn't work out, which I know isn't true. That extra 15 minutes on the treadmill really makes a difference! I'm not sure if I'm going to the gym today, or if I'm actually going to allow myself to just do stuff around the house today and not go anywhere. I'm certainly entitled to the day off, although I have a feeling I'll be spending it de-cluttering and cleaning, and not sitting around watching TV all day! I've worked out 5 of the last 7 days, and will be working out at least 4 days in the coming week. I guess I'll see how I feel around noon, and then decide.

I drove my sister's Jeep for the first time today! I was a bit nervous, because up until now, I've been driving little tiny cars that are low to the ground. I also haven't been out driving since I failed my road test two weeks ago. My sister was a bit nervous, because this was the first time she had ever been in a car with me driving, and it was her car that I was driving. I did lots better than I thought I would. I didn't hit anything, although I did get a bit close to the cars parked on the right side of the street at one point. I was surprised at how easy it was to drive such a big car, and it was a much smoother ride than any of the Toyota Corollas and Chevy Prisms that I've been used to driving. I even did well on my turns for a change! Maybe I'll be able to talk her into letting me use the Jeep for my next road test, whenever I get around to scheduling it.

It's been a while since I've updated "As the Rose Wilts", and lots has happened in the past few months. I guess the most significant change has been that, as of August 31st, I was "separated" from my job of over ten years, due to a merger/acquisition and re-organization. Gotta love the new jargon. "Separated". Makes it sound like I was married to my job. Then again, in many ways, I was! So, forget about a "separation", let's just consider me officially "divorced". I mean, it's not like the job and I are going to reconcile and get back together anytime soon, right? I've even gotten "alimony", in the form of a severance package! It was an amicable "divorce", and I'm free to find another and wed again, should I so choose. Right now, though, I'm enjoying being "single again", except for the dating thing. Now I have to go through the job application process. If having a job is like being married, and leaving one after ten years is akin to getting divorced, then looking for a new job is like taking out a personal ad and going out on a series of blind dates in the hopes of finding "the right one". I shudder at the thought!

However, being unemployed has allowed me to have some fantastic adventures, like flying out to Park City, Utah to be personally trained as a North Star Life Coach by author and monthly O Magazine columnist, Martha Beck and her team, Stacey and Kim. I also went hot air ballooning for the first time.

I've also decided that now is the time for me to get serious about getting all this extra weight off. The key motivating factor in this took place during my North Star Life Coach training. We had a visit from John, a really good personal trainer, and I volunteered to be the first "guinea pig". Long story short, something about that day changed me, and got me motivated to go back to the gym and start working on my eating issues. I've been going to the gym and working out for an hour four days a week for the past two weeks, and have started working with my therapist on my food issues. I'm keeping a food journal (don't worry, I won't bore you with tales of tofu), and working towards being more fit and healthy. So, stay tuned for future episodes of "As the Rose Wilts"!

My horoscope today: "Patience and diligence are your middle names. You have paid your dues, and today you reap the rewards. Trust those bright new ideas that are bubbling up inside of you and let yourself be heard. Instead of fearing the worst, hope for the best. People are amazed at the depth and breadth of your recall. Your memory, your attention to detail and your sensitivity all serve you well today."

I sure as heck wish I knew what all those bright new ideas were, and where they're bubbling up, because I'm trying to come up with ideas for an article to write for my Joy of Fear newsletter, and I can't think of a single thing!

Testing out the online dating scene for a bit. I've been trying out a few services, none of which have really knocked my socks off. Right now, I'm trying out AmericanSingles.com. What I don't understand is why I get responses from guys all over the planet except my area. It boggles my mind.

I could go into a lengthy diatribe about people who obviously don't read profiles, but I'll spare you all. All I'm looking for is a guy who's reasonably attractive, has a few working brain cells, a j-o-b, and can write a grammatically correct sentence. Is that too much to ask?

I originally scheduled a lesson for Monday July 5th, so that I wouldn't miss out on a whole week of lessons due to the holiday. My original lesson was scheduled for 11am, but the driving school called me on Friday and let me know that the instructor I was scheduled with had to cancel his Monday lessons because something came up. Okay, fine, no problem. No one else was available at 11am, so I rescheduled with another instructor for 1 o'clock this afternoon.

This one wasn't Jaba the Orc, but he was a close second. He was thinner, but had that same unwashed, unshaved look (I wonder if that's one of their hiring requirements). I knew it was going to be difficult the minute I got in the car, went to put on my seatbelt and then he started telling me that I shouldn't put my seatbelt on in case I had to adjust my mirror on the right side of the car. Like DUHHH! If I had to adjust the mirror, I'd unfasten the damn belt, lean over, and adjust it. Better that, than me starting to drive the car and THEN realize I'm not wearing my seatbelt! He proceeds to tell me that, on his schedule for today, I'm listed as "Carlos". He actually ASKED if I was Carlos. Obviously, I don't LOOK like a "Carlos", at least I don't think so!

He then spent about 10 minutes rattling off stuff that I either (a) already knew, or (b) would've been obvious to anyone who's ever BEEN in a car in their LIFE. (Like what the different lights on the dashboard mean when they're lit - check oil, fasten seatbelt, door ajar, etc.) The man would not SHUT UP! Usually, I'm the one with the motor mouth in the car, but I knew it was bad when I couldn't get a word in edgewise. It wasn't so much WHAT he was saying, but the way he was saying it. The worst part was that it totally distracted me, undermined any confidence I had in my abilities, AND caused me to make at least 2 very stupid mistakes that I probably would not have made if I wasn't consciously resisting the urge to ask him to please just shut up. Geez, Louise! He made my niece on a sugar high look quiet in comparison!

He asked if I was nervous, and I said yes, I was. Did he do anything to help me be LESS nervous??? NOPE! He just kept on making these really fussbudgety comments about a) my turns, b) my signalling "too soon", and - get this - c) how FAST I was driving! BWAHAHAHA!!! I was doing 25-30mph on a 30mph street! He honest-to-God told me I was going too fast at 30mph! Mind you, this was on a "big street" where everyone else was swearin' under their breath at how SLOW I was going because I was doing the speed limit!

Then, he kept telling me that I should schedule my road test now, because I'll have to wait 3-4 weeks before I get a test date, and that I should take my lessons closer together so that I don't get rusty. That's about the point where I told HIM that a) my main reason for taking driving lessons was to overcome my fear of driving, b) if I got my license, it would be an added plus and c) I wasn't planning on scheduling a road test until I was extremely comfortable with what I was doing behind the wheel. (Needless to say, he wasn't helping with that last one!)

So, I drove from my house towards my sister's again, and practiced my right and left turns. With 10 minutes left to go in the lesson, he had me pull over and said he was going to teach me how to make a "K-turn". Somehow, I just knew that learning something new with this guy was just not going to work, and so I told him that I really didn't feel comfortable and would rather wait until my next lesson to learn it. He mumbled some stuff about pushing myself, and how, the instructor wouldn't suggest something like that if they didn't feel the student was ready for it, blah blah blah, but he didn't make me learn it. I'm thinking in my head "NO WAY am I learning a K-turn with this guy!" So, with the remaining few minutes, I drove around my sister's neighborhood, made a few more right and left turns, and pulled up in front of her house. To say that I couldn't WAIT to get out of that car would be an understatement! All I wanted to do was SMACK this guy!

I was wearing my super-cool shirt from my adventure with the Long Island Sweet Potato Queens in the Wantagh 4th of July parade (another cool adventure) DivaQueenSPQ on, and he was asking me a bunch of questions about it.
Him: "What's a Sweet Potato Queen?"
Me: "It's a women's group"
Him: "That tells me a lot. What is it, a feminist group? Men-haters?"
Me: "No, it's a group of women who like to have fun?"
Him: "So, do you meet every month or something?"
Me: Not necessarily
Him: "What is it about, an author or something?"
Me: "Yes, this woman wrote several books."
Him: "And what do Sweet Potato Queens have to do with them? Is that what they're all about? Sweet Potato Queens?"
Me: "Yup, all the books are about the Sweet Potato Queens."

Did I mention that I wanted to SMACK him upside his head?

On a positive note, I can now add "changing lanes" to my list of accomplishments. I am SO GLAD I've scheduled my next three lessons with the GOOD instructor!

This morning, I had my first-ever driving lesson. To say I was nervous would be an understatement. If nerves were dollars, I think I would have had more money than Bill Gates and Donald Trump combined! I tried distracting myself with several games of Sponge Bob Collapse, it didn't help. I tried taking a hot shower. All that did was leave me wound up and soaking wet. I tried deep breathing and relaxation. I tried meditating. I tried everything I could think of short of standing on my head and whistling "Dixie", to no avail. I was WIRED!!!

So, the moment of doom arrives. I walk outside and see the Student Driver car ready and waiting for me in front of the house. There's no escaping it now. My fate is sealed. I have to get in the car. Worse yet, I have to get in the driver's seat! I'm thinking "Can't I just watch this time?" But no, watching is what I've been doing all these years. I took a deep breath and parked my butt behind the steering wheel. I can't even tell you what kind of car it was, other than that it was gold-toned, with the name of the driving school in yellow (why they chose yellow on a gold car is beyond me), and the words "STUDENT DRIVER" across the back. Made me think of the old three-wheeled bicycles with the huge "HANDICAPPED" signs in the back.

Now, before I continue with my actual driving adventure, I must take a moment to mention that my driving instructor for the day looks like a cross between Jabba the Hud and one of the Orcs from Lord of the Rings. He smelled about as good, too. He also kept talking about me in the third person. "Now, if Carol wants to make a turn, Carol turns on her directional, checks to make sure the way is clear, and begins making her turn." I wonder if they teach them that at the driving school.

So, Jabba the Orc shows me how to work the directionals, how to shift into gear, where the gas and brake pedals are, and about a bazillion other things that I somehow am supposed to remember all before moving an inch. Then he says "Are you ready?" READY??? You mean I actually have to DRIVE??? All I could think of was "Oh... SHIT!!!" So, I put my seatbelt on, after all I'm a student driver and I sure as hell don't trust myself behind the wheel of a moving vehicle, besides, it's the law, take a deep breath, and turn the key in the ignition, turn on my left signal, check my mirrors and look over my left shoulder, put the car in drive and start moving. If I ever felt like one of "Jerry's Kids", this was definitely the moment.

Somehow, by the grace of God and whatever guardian angels were up and protecting innocent bystanders this morning, I manage to pull out of the parking space and onto College Point Boulevard. To say it's a narrow two-way street is putting it mildly! But, I made it to the corner, my first STOP sign, and actually made a right turn, all without hitting anything or anyone! Mind you, I'm driving at the overwhelmingly high speed of about 10 miles an hour, and as I'm cruising along, some moron behind me starts beeping at me. Without missing a beat, I blurted out "It says STUDENT DRIVER ya dumbass!" Guess I got the swearing at other drivers thing down pat, huh?

The rest of the drive was uneventful - I maneuvered my way around about five potholes, made my way around a double-parked car on a narrow street, stopped the car when some moron ran a stop sign in front of me (without jamming on the brakes and giving the instructor whiplash, I might add), drove on one of the busiest streets in my neighborhood, and somehow managed to make some pretty tight turns, without any roadside casualties. As we were getting close to my house, who did I pass, but my landlord, on his way out. I think seeing me behind the wheel of a car heading in his direction may have made his life flash before his eyes for a few seconds, until I was safely past.

I STILL can't believe that I actually drove a car for 40 minutes out of the 45 minute lesson AND pulled into a parking spot in front of my house! The reality of it just hasn't sunk in yet. Was it scary? HELL, yes! But not as scary as I thought it would be. In my mind, I had imagined myself driving the way I play racecar video games - crashing into every possible object in sight. Fortunately, the reality was nowhere near as bad as I had imagined!

An open note to all who made my Omega "Living a Fearless Life" conference experience so incredible:

I almost didn’t make it to the conference. On Thursday, April 1st, I was seriously considering backing out and skipping the volunteer orientation. At one point during the day on Thursday, coming to the orientation after a long day at work really started to feel like one of those “Why did I ever commit myself to doing this?” things. Well, I am so glad that I fought through that, because I had the best few days that surpassed my expectations big time!

Had I backed out, or rather, “chickened out”, if you will, I would have missed out on some truly incredible people and wonderful experiences. I don’t know what I expected when I pushed myself to “show up”, but this certainly wasn’t it! If I had to use one word to describe what I’ve found here, it would be awesome!

Had I not pushed past that feeling of not wanting to push past that feeling and show up, I would never have heard Christopher Reeve speak so eloquently on pushing past your mood and doing it anyway. I would not have followed my own North Star, which led me right into Martha Beck’s workshop. I would not have had the experience of meeting the woman who was at least partially responsible for my being here in the first place, and finding her to be every bit as wonderful as her book, and then some!

I am so glad that I did the “fearless thing” and plunged myself head-first into an experience so incredibly powerful, that I will remember April 1st, 2004 as the day I found home. This is where I belong, and where I was meant to be. They say that when the student is ready, the teacher appears. Well, I must be really ready, because I had teachers popping out of the woodwork! If ever there was a sign that I am “on the right track” in my life, then this conference was it. I have found my niche. I discovered why some of the various healing methods I’ve attempted to learn never really took off. They just weren’t ‘it”. I’ve come to understand that my healing gift is the gift of words, both spoken and written, humor, and the sharing of my stories.

While not everything has worked out the way I might have liked it to, others have not turned out nearly as disastrously as I had feared. I went out on a big limb, and instead of being rejected as I had feared, I made a very special new friend. I have been given the opportunity to shine, and apparently, I’ve shone brightly (and no, it wasn’t just my flaming red hair). I have allowed myself to be fully myself and, to paraphrase Sally Fields “they like me. They REALLY like me!” I am now able to finally see myself the way others see me, without doubt and fear. And that, as Marha Stewart would say, is a good thing.

Thank you all for being part of what was, for me, a wonderful experience, and for making it happen.

A few updates...

Inspiration Soup, my work-in-progress website has been updated and is running. I've added some new articles, links and the ability to subscribe to my monthly newsletter.

I've taken the plunge and enrolled in Coach Training Alliance's Certified Coach Program. It's a step on my road to becoming a Life Coach, and I'm really excited about it!

I've also added some new books to my BookCrossing bookshelf, and plan to release a few books within the next few days.

My MS Walk 2004 fund-raising efforts are going well, and I've met my goal of raising at least $500.00!

I've re-vamped my InspirationSoup site.

I had been trying to figure out what to do with the site ever since Webseed.com discontinued their services. I had the domain name, and a web host, but hadn't been up to doing a major re-vamp of the site for over a year. Now that I have my computer at home and am learning how to use my Coffee Cup software, I decided to play around with it a bit over the holiday weekend. I'm really glad that I did, and I'm very happy with the results. Now that I've gotten the re-design out of the way, I can continue to add content to it more easily, and update it on a more regular basis.

The site itself is "a women's inspirational site made with hope, spirituality, gratitude and other ingredients to uplift your soul". I'm looking forward to doing some more article writing and site development. If all goes well, the site will grow and become a place women enjoy visiting often.

Engrish.com - you absolutely must check this site out. Really bad English translations at their best. It's hilarious! Be sure to click on the link to The Engrish Store and check out their holiday greeting cards.

I joined a gym

Actually, I joined at the beginning of December. Although due to a combination of work overload and being sick with a respiratory infection over the holidays, I haven't had a chance to get there too much. However, this is the start of a new year, and a new me. One of my New Year's resolutions is to make sure I get to the gym at least 3-4 times a week. So far this week, I'm doing very well. I went yesterday and Monday, and will probably go again today. I can see how it can get addicting, which is not necessarily a bad thing in my case. I'm really enjoying the treadmill, but I haven't gotten up the nerve to try the eliptical machines yet. Something about trying to coordinate both arms and legs all at once scares me. Then again, it could turn out to be very funny. Maybe today I'll give one a try. Then again, maybe not. I'll see how it goes and how brave I feel.

Saddam after a Shave

One of my adopted soldiers sent me this, and I found a link to it online. A shave so close, it shaved a few years off, too!

Have you ever tried to give a cat antibiotic drops? If not, you should try it sometime. It's really fun. You get to first, get on the floor and get a good hold on the cat's body with your knees and an arm around him, so that he can't run away. Then, with one hand, you gently squeeze the sides of his mouth until it opens. Did I say gently? Scratch that. Sometimes it's not so gentle, especially when said cat is trying to wriggle his way out of the hold you have on him with your arm and legs. Then, with your free hand, which isn't really quite free, since it's trying to hold an eyedropper of antibiotics without spilling it, you aim the dropper so that, the instant the cat's mouth opens, you can squirt the stuff into the back of the cat's throat. That's so that the cat can't then turn around and spit the stuff right back out. Once that's done, you release your hold on the cat, and watch it shoot out of your grasp like Tigger on crack. Real fun, let me tell you! Oh yeah, it helps if the cats claws are trimmed, too. And the best part? You get to do this twice a day for an entire week!