Top Ten Reasons No One Takes Me to the Museum

This past Friday, I decided to get up, get dressed, and head to New York City's Metropolitan Museum of Art. In the entries that follow, you will learn why no one willingly takes me to the museum. It's not that I don't like and appreciate fine art. I really do. I can spend hours in certain sections of the museum just looking at stuff, particularly Medieval and religious art. However, I can (and do) also spend an equal amount of time laughing myself silly and getting dirty looks from "serious" art lovers. It's good that I go alone. Really. At least when I'm alone, the laughter and snorting is all in my head.

(Clicking on any of the pictures will enable you to see an enlarged version.)


Reason #10 - "Fig-Leafed Naked Man" - Sadly, I used to date a guy who looked like this.


Reason #9 - "Christ Child or Anti-christ?" At first, this looks like a nice holy picture of Mary and the Christ Child...

until you take a closer look and realize that this child bears a strange resemblance to the Spawn of Chucky.



Reason #8 - Bet ya didn't know that the Apostles moonlight as garden gnomes, now, did ya?


Reason #7 - "Electrolysis Anyone?" Not only did the artist paint her complete with a mustache, she also looks like she's got a bit of five-o'clock shadow. If this were my portrait, I'd want my money back.


Reason #6 - "Drag Queen and Boy Child". Looks like dad's been wearing mom's clothes again.


Reason #5 "Children of the Damned" Okay, if my kid was this weird looking, the last thing I'd be doing is paying to have her portrait painted. I'd be selling her off to a circus or something.


Reason #4 Another one for the "Children of the Damned" files. Not sure if this is a sibling, mother or no relation whatsoever to the prior subject. How does one wear such a low neckline and not have any cleavage?


Reason #3 - "The Death's Head Rosary". My first thought was that this was some cursed relic out of an evil ancient temple. Turns out that this is an actual rosary. According to the description, the inscription on this rosary is "Think on death" and "This is what you will be". What a cheerful thought!


Reason #2 - I know this is supposed to be a religious picture, but I've watched one too many Vincent Price horror movies. I kept waiting for his eyes to follow me around the room.


Reason #1 - My first thought when I saw this painting was that this chick is in serious need of some mousse. Talk about a bad home perm! This woman is probably rolling over in her grave right now. Can you imagine not only having a really bad hair day immortalized on canvas for a few hundred years, but having it displayed publicly for people like me to make fun of centuries later?

To read more about the person who inspired my love and appreciation of fine art, click here.