Woman Marries... a Dolphin???

According to this article, Sharon Tendler from Redbridge, East London married a dolphin in Israel. Yes, you read that right, a dolphin, and not the Miami kind, either.

Apparently, she's been visiting Cindy the dolphin on holidays for fifteen years, and finally decided to take the plunge... literally. After the wedding, she dove into the water in her white silk wedding dress to give him a hug. But, she claims, she's not a pervert.

The best line in the article has to be this one:

"Sharon kissed Cindy and whispered 'I love you' in his blow hole."

My guess is that a few months from now, we'll be reading about the first dolphin divorce, when Cindy decides there are other fish in the sea and leaves Sharon, with only a cryptic farewell note that reads "So long, and thanks for all the fish!" (Sorry, I just couldn't resist!)

More on this story:
Sofia News Agency - Jewish Millionaire Marries Dolphin
Ynet News - Brit Jew Marries Dolphin

A Bit of Blatant Self-promotion

I have a few openings in my life coaching practice for new clients. As a year-end special of sorts, I'm offering three months of coaching services for the price of two. I'm also now offering one-time individual coaching sessions for those who can use some coaching on a particular event or situation, but who aren't quite ready to commit to a full monthly coaching arrangement.

Also in the works is a two-part teleconference workshop on making and keeping New Year's resolutions, to be scheduled in mid-January, and an eight week Design a Life That Brings You Joy group coaching workshop, in which we'll work with Martha Beck's book Finding Your Own North Star.

For more information on any of the above, please e-mail me, or click the button below to subscribe to my life coaching newsletter.


Click to join JoyOfFear

My Battery-operated, Strap-on, Vibrating...

Mouse pad. What did you think I was going to say? Get your minds out of the gutter! 


It vibrates when depressed. Great! I've got an epileptic mousepad that suffers from depression. Maybe I should name it Marvin. 


It looks deceivingly like a regular mousepad. 


Your choice of suction cups for desk use, or a velcro strap for attaching it to your leg. Why I would want to attach this to my leg is beyond me, and the suction cups are just plain kinky.  


Variable speeds. Great for visiting internet porn sites. Just strap on your mouse pad, select a speed and surf your blues away!  

God Has a Twisted Sense of Humor

God has a twisted sense of humor. Christmas Eve Mass last night proved it for me beyond a doubt.

I wasn't looking forward to going to Mass last night with my mother. Not because I was going with my mother, but I was just feeling really "blah" about having to go to Church. Usually, getting there is the hardest part. Once I'm there, I get the whole Christmas spirit thing going and I'm fine. Not this time.

This time, on my walk to the Church, I started talking to God about how I need to work on being less snarky, and could use a bit of help. I got to Church fifteen minutes early, and the first thing I noticed when I entered the Church was that there was a huge strand of cobweb that looked like a giant rope of dust above the statue of Jesus. It was so big that He looked like He was planning to hang himself with it. I was still feeling "blah" and devoid of Christmas spirit by the time Mass started. So, I started talking to God about how, for some reason, I just wasn't feeling my usual Christmas Mass "exceeding great joy". Well, be careful what you pray for...

The priest celebrating the Mass turns out to be "Father Visitor from Viet Nam". The problem with "Father Visitor" wasn't his accent, which was relatively easy to understand. No, the problem with "Father Visitor" was his singing. It was, in a word, awful. Probably the worst singing I have ever heard in my life. Worse than anything on William Hung's "Hung for the Holidays" CD. Yes, it was that bad. Worse, "Father Visitor" apparently loved to sing, because not only did he sing the hymns, he sang/chanted every part of the Mass that could possibly be sung. He was so tone deaf and off-key that the only way I knew he'd finally reached the end of a prayer was by the well-tuned "A-mens" inserted at various points by the men's choir. It was so awful, that of course, I found it hilariously funny.

So, here I am, standing in the pew next to my mother, with my eyes devoutly gazing up towards Heaven in prayer. Well, at least that's what anyone who happened to look at me would think. Actually, I was staring very hard at the stars on the Church ceiling, comparing "Father Visitor" to William Hung on the pulpit, thinking "I am going straight to hell for this", and trying desperately not to snort during the Our Father. The final straw came during the Eucharistic Prayer, when Father Visitor said what sounded like "He took the bread in his severed hand". It took me a few seconds to realize that he said sacred, and not severed. I'm definitely watching too much CSI these days.

The end result was that I left Church ready to bust a gut laughing. I also learned that God definitely has a twisted sense of humor, and that there is a difference between being snarky and being able to see the humor in a situation and get a good laugh out of it. I guess I'm not going to hell after all.

I Thought I'd Heard it All

I've listened to some pretty strange Christmas music in my life, but I don't know how I've managed to miss out on hearing Tiny Tim singing "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer". A friend of mine informed me that Tiny Tim not only sang "Rudolph", but also recorded a whole entire Christmas CD, and that sound clips could be heard at Amazon.com.

Of course, curiousity got the better of me, and I just had to go and listen. My friends, you simply have not lived until you've heard Tiny Tim singing "All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth", and my personal favorite, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus". Writing about it does it no justice. It has to be experienced. Trust me. Go and listen! Click here to share it with your friends!

I Knew This Would Come Back to Haunt Me

My transit strike entry from last week has come back to haunt me.

A few months ago, I went and bought myself a ticket for tomorrow night's performance of Die Fledermaus at the Met. An expensive ticket, as in a side parterre box seat, as opposed to my usual nosebleed city, balcony box partial-view cheap seat. I had been planning to do it up with all the works, including taking car service to Lincoln Center and back instead of the bus and subway.

Good thing I called my local car service company today. While they will have no problem picking me up after the opera to take me from Manhattan back home to Queens, they will not drive me into Manhattan earlier in the evening. Not even after 5:00pm, when most of the traffic will be going out of Manhattan. They can drive me to one of the Long Island Railroad stations in Queens, where I can get a train to Penn Station, and then walk thirty-odd blocks, but they won't drive me to Lincoln Center. They can take my fifty bucks late at night, when traffic is light and the ride will take maybe all of a half hour, but not when they might have to sit in a bit of traffic. They can bite my ass.

I'll take a taxi home, and buy myself dinner with the money I saved by not using car service.

My Ten Most Hated Christmas Songs

I've been listening to Christmas music on the radio the past few weeks, and in the spirit of the season, have decided to list my ten most hated Christmas songs. In no particular order, here they are:

• "I'm Gettin' Nothin' For Christmas" - Someone should get this kid a muzzle for Christmas and put a permanent end to this assault on our eardrums.
• "All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth" - Quick! Someone punch the rest of them out! I'd rather have root canal than listen to this one.
• "Jingle Bells" by the Barking Dogs - It wasn't funny the first time I heard it. By the six thousandth time, all it does is make me feel extremely homicidal.
• "Christmas to Remember" by Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers - "WHOAH! WHOOOOOOAAAAH! This is awful! WHOAH! WHOOOOOOAAAAH! Change the station!"
• "Jolly Old St. Nicholas" by The Ray Conniff Singers - These people are just way too happy, like they're on crack or something. This song is like a case of Holiday Herpes - Once you get it in your head, it never leaves.
• "Toys for Tots" by Red Simpson - Part of the lyrics for the chorus are "Won't you give a toy for a tot. Just a little something that you've got", and it only gets worse. Imagine a Christmas version of "The Ballad of the Green Berets", and you've got the idea.
• "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" - This has to be one of the most depressing Christmas songs out there. If you wanted to off yourself on Christmas Eve, this would be a great soundtrack.
• "Pretty Paper" by Willie Nelson - Another one from the "Holiday Music to Off Yourself By" collection.
• "The Twelve Days of Christmas" by Burl Ives - Burl should've quit while he was ahead with "Holly Jolly Christmas". This one's painful. Very painful.
• "Christmas Shoes" by New Song - Somehow, I managed never to have heard this song until this year. My mom's dying and I want to buy her new shoes for when she meets Jesus. How absolutely cheerful.
• "Do They Know it's Christmas?" by Band Aid - Feed the world already, so we don't have to listen to this again next year!
• "I'll Be Home for Christmas" by Karen Carpenter - No, you won't.

Feel free to share yours by clicking on the "comments" link below.

Gift Wrapping for Dummies

 
 
This came as an unexpected bonus with some gift boxes my sister bought. Not only does it have instructions, it's self-adhesive! As someone whose gifts look like they were wrapped by a pre-schooler, I really need to get some of these.

Dollar Store Adventures

Yummm... Potted Meat Food Product! So good, it doesn't even have a name!


It's the Dolphin Family Christmas! Love the hats!

 
Run!!! It's the attack of the 50-foot Prairie Belt Sausages!!!

And last but not least...

 
 
For only $5.00, you can own the Last Supper tablecloth! What a bargain!

Okay, So I'm Evil

With all this talk about a possible transit strike tomorrow, I can't help but gloat a bit, because I won't have to deal with it. No getting up at the crack of dawn and schlepping in the snow and rain to a car pool staging area for me! If this had happened a year and a half ago, I'd be singing a different tune. (Cursing under my breath is more like it.) Not having to concern myself with arranging alternate means of transportation is rather nice.

I may, however, venture out with my camera if there is a strike.

More Fun at Big Lots

Shots & Darts - because alcohol and sharp objects make for a great party! What brain surgeon thought this one up? 



This actually contains the following warning "FOR USE ON HEAD HAIR ONLY". In the interest of good taste, I'm not gonna go there.

From the Hannibal Lecter ornament collection. Santa's Christmas dinner will consist of Gingerbread Man liver, served with some fava beans and a nice chianti. Festive after-dinner mints will be also be provided. 

Joseph got run over by a reindeer...

More Fun With Frosty the "Snow" Man

Tigger and Pooh can't wait to smoke "Uncle" Frosty's magic pipe.  

Frosty, unable to pay off the huge debt owed to his coke dealer, gets his face kicked in.

Just When You Thought You'd Seen it All

Because every cocktail needs a creamy head.

My New Toy

Maxell P-13 iPod Stereo FM Transmitter I just bought this at Walgreen's this afternoon (on sale for $17.99) and am now listening to my iPod through my home stereo.

It broadcasts through four FM frequencies - 88.1, 88.3, 88.5 and 88.7. I tuned it to 88.7, and it appears to work fine. The sound is good, and the only time I get any significant static is when I move the iPod a few feet away from my stereo receiver. I haven't tried it in my sister's car yet, but it works fine on my home stereo.

Considering the low price of the item, I am very pleasantly surprised.

By Far THE Worst Holiday Album of All

I thought I had heard just about every awful holiday song there ever was. Then, this morning, I heard something that made me want to go and rip my ears off. William Hung's "Hung for the Holidays". He really should be. This is an assault on the ears unlike any other. The perfect holiday gift for those who insist on giving you crocheted toilet paper covers every year.

Let the Holiday Wreath-making Begin

Every year, I make candy holiday wreaths. This year is no exception. Yup, I can be a regular Martha Stewart around the holidays. So, right now, I'm up to my elbows in ribbons and candy. The picture above is of one I did last year in the spring. It's not my greatest wreath, but it will give you an idea of what they look like when they're done.

These are actually really simple to make, just a bit tedious and time-consuming. I've outlined most of the steps with pictures here. There's also an illustrated catalog of needed supplies here.

The basic supply list is as follows:

• 1 small child-sized, easily bendable, wire hanger. Target and other stores sell ones coated with different colored plastic, including red and green, in packages of 12 for about a dollar or two. These are perfect for wreath making. (You can use a regular full-sized wire hanger, but they tend to be harder to bend, and take longer to make.)



• Curling ribbon of choice (Lots of stores sell 4-color rolls in seasonal shades for about two dollars. One of these should be enough.)



• Scissor for cutting and curling the ribbon(large or small, blunt or pointed, makes no difference)



• Approximately 5 pounds of wrapped candy. These should be candies with the wrapping twisted on at least one end (like the ends of Tootsie Rolls). Otherwise, the type of candies and colors are totally up to the wreath maker.



• 1 medium-sized bow or other decoration for the top of the wreath.



• 1 cheap children's scissor to attach to the wreath. (Makes it easier to get the candy off and eat it.)

Helpful, but not entirely necessary supplies:

Sandwich-sized zip-lock bags for sorting and storing candies and ribbon pieces so they don't end up all over the place and/or used as cat toys.

Waste basket to put the wrappers from the candies that somehow bypass the wreath-making process entirely and end up in your stomach instead.  

Why I Should Be Careful When Answering the Phone

My sister called me while I was busy typing out candy wreath-making instructions, and I asked if I could call her back when I was done. The phone rings about three hours later, and I realized when I saw the caller ID that I never called my sister back.

So, I answer the phone with "Oh SHIT!!! I forgot to call you back!!!" I then hear my 7 year old niece launch into a rousing chorus of the Invader Zim "Doom Song". At first, she was so intent on singing me the "Doom Song" that I didn't think she heard it. But then she said "Auntie Carol, you said a bad word. You just said the S-curse!" Busted!

Of course, then I had to tell my sister about it. She had heard my niece saying something to me on the phone about "Auntie Carol" and the "S-curse" and couldn't wait to hear what that was all about.

It's a good thing she has a sense of humor.

Let it snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!

According to local weather reports, NYC is due to get anywhere from three to six inches of snow by mid-day tomorrow. Personally, I'm thinking this is not highly likely. Why? Because a) they've predicted it and b) I went to the store today to stock up on supplies, just in case. A few days ago, they predicted we'd get hit with anywhere from three to five inches overnight. So, I trudged my ass to the store for a few essentials. I woke up the following morning to a grand total of about three to five flakes.

Based on past experience, I've learned that whenever they predict a major snowstorm, they're usually wrong. The time you really have to worry is when they predict "a few flurries". That's when you end up with eight to twelve inches on your doorstep and no toilet paper.

More Disney Pictures

To view the rest of my Disney pictures, click here. 

The Worst Infomercial of All-time

Somehow, I always manage to catch this infomercial whenever I'm at Disney. If you want to see just how bad it is, visit the Appliance Direct website, and click on the video clip links on the right-hand side of the page.


Scary is dressing in green and yellow to match the company logo.

Even scarier - They're now offering free iPod videos. Why anyone would want to view this crap on their iPod is beyond me. 

Seen at the Orlando Airport

A collection of holy items on sale for 50% off.

Here we have an assortment of large crosses (which double as weapons in the event of a terrorist attack), travel-sized crosses (which can easily fit in your purse or briefcase in case of a sudden crisis of faith), magic lamps (in case you need the assistance of a pocket-sized genie during your flight), and a few pirate statues.

I'm not sure what troubles me more about this... the fact that these are being sold at the gate right before you board your plane, that the crosses look like they could be used to bash someone's head in, or the inclusion of pirate statues in with the holy articles. Is there a "Captain Jack, Patron Saint of Pirates, Pillage and Plunder" out there that the nuns didn't tell me about? 

Seen at Big Lots Yesterday

Santacide, courtesy of CSI: North Pole - Apparently, Mrs. Claus got a bit tired of Santa visiting all the naughty girls on his list and decided to stick a bag on his head and put and end to it. David Caruso guest stars.

No wonder Frosty loves snow! He's been snorting the pipe!

Which leads us to the Snowman Family Campfire! Frosty, while under the influence of certain controlled substances, decided that a family campfire would be a good idea.

Funeral services for the Snowman Family will be held tomorrow morning.

I didn't know Joseph wore blush, did you? Looks like Mary could use a Mary Kay makeover.

This one's even scarier. Again, Joseph is wearing way too much blush. (Someone really needs to talk to him about that!) Plus, you can stick a candle inside his butt to make him light up. Notice the placement of the stars on both Mary and Joseph. This is just so wrong, on so many levels.

And now for a few non-holiday items...

Before there was Viagra, there was

What is Hard Sauce? I'm not sure I want to know. However, interestingly enough, it was on the shelf next to the...

"Crystal Wedding Oats"? Are they the oats you sow once all your wild oats have been sown? They cook in 1 minute, so that sounds about right.


Believe it or not, these are hair ties.They look like something my cat hacked up. Good thing they're only 2/ $1.00.  

And, last but not least, the Nipple Trial Pack, just in case you're not sure what kind of nipples you want.