My Ten Most Hated Christmas Songs

I've been listening to Christmas music on the radio the past few weeks, and in the spirit of the season, have decided to list my ten most hated Christmas songs. In no particular order, here they are:

• "I'm Gettin' Nothin' For Christmas" - Someone should get this kid a muzzle for Christmas and put a permanent end to this assault on our eardrums.
• "All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth" - Quick! Someone punch the rest of them out! I'd rather have root canal than listen to this one.
• "Jingle Bells" by the Barking Dogs - It wasn't funny the first time I heard it. By the six thousandth time, all it does is make me feel extremely homicidal.
• "Christmas to Remember" by Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers - "WHOAH! WHOOOOOOAAAAH! This is awful! WHOAH! WHOOOOOOAAAAH! Change the station!"
• "Jolly Old St. Nicholas" by The Ray Conniff Singers - These people are just way too happy, like they're on crack or something. This song is like a case of Holiday Herpes - Once you get it in your head, it never leaves.
• "Toys for Tots" by Red Simpson - Part of the lyrics for the chorus are "Won't you give a toy for a tot. Just a little something that you've got", and it only gets worse. Imagine a Christmas version of "The Ballad of the Green Berets", and you've got the idea.
• "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" - This has to be one of the most depressing Christmas songs out there. If you wanted to off yourself on Christmas Eve, this would be a great soundtrack.
• "Pretty Paper" by Willie Nelson - Another one from the "Holiday Music to Off Yourself By" collection.
• "The Twelve Days of Christmas" by Burl Ives - Burl should've quit while he was ahead with "Holly Jolly Christmas". This one's painful. Very painful.
• "Christmas Shoes" by New Song - Somehow, I managed never to have heard this song until this year. My mom's dying and I want to buy her new shoes for when she meets Jesus. How absolutely cheerful.
• "Do They Know it's Christmas?" by Band Aid - Feed the world already, so we don't have to listen to this again next year!
• "I'll Be Home for Christmas" by Karen Carpenter - No, you won't.

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